Last month, I yelled at the sky and anyone who had some sort of control of my broken heart.....I hate you and everything you are supposed to be. It's still not the most loving relationship that I have with this higher power.
But, then I remember the time when she was one month old and I prayed for her little body to be okay as we sat in the hospital for 1 week, as she fought an infection they told us may not be treatable.
And the time I begged the 2 years of infusions to finally rid her of the fungal infection she picked up Lord only knows where, although they always blamed it on the amount of time she spent in pools.
There was the time we were told to call her brother to be close because she was showing signs of meningitis and it didn't look good. I prayed then, too.
I remember the car accident caused by the lady with alzheimers, that had Boo and me waiting at the hospital for the ambulance to arrive. Where I begged for her to survive, then saw her strapped to the board as she cried, I can't feel my feet. I watched Josh rush into the ER in his full pads from football practice, and we both prayed a bit. I begged for her to be able to walk as we waitied for them to be done testing and examining her, and for the skull fracture to heal, and the brain injury to not destroy her life. I watched her be told she wouldn't get a regular diploma. ...she did. She was told she would never graduate from a private high school because they didn't have to recognize additional needs as she learned to read all over, we hired tutors, and she did graduate with her class, from her private high school. She was told she'd limp, she didn't because she went through years of physical therapy, and rocked heels better than most. She was told she qualified for disability after neck, back and facial reconstruction surgeries, but she never did do it. She honestly was the strongest and often most stubborn person I have ever met.
She would put together clothing drives, rescue abandoned kitties, organize food drives, build a scrap book for my friend's son battling leukemia, and be the world's very best nanny to children in many states.
So, while I prayed for this to be a bad dream and to please allow me to somehow wake up from it all, I will focus on the times she almost left, but we were given the chance to have her just a bit longer. So, yes, I'm still a tad mad, overwhelmingly sad, but so blessed she got to be part of my life so long.