Yesterday, I yelled at God. F you God. (Except, I actually said the whole damn thing out loud) I don't love God right now. I hate him for one car accident that forever changed her life and for a second car accident that brought a Chaplin to my house, telling me to sit down as he told me my baby was gone. The Chaplin would visit a great grandma's house and a brother's house as well, and bring everyone to one house, for us to hold oneanother. It would be the only way we could survive.
I'm not God's biggest fan, today. I don't want to hear how he's going to bring us through. Why the hell does anyone have to bring you through having your heart ripped out of your body?!!!!
But, I will say, I've seen strength from this village that I never knew possible. I honestly couldn't stand at times yesterday, and my house has been so full that I sometimes couldn't hear myself think....that's a good thing, believe me. No mom wants to think while sobbing. My besties came, and stayed. Its like they met in the driveway and set a schedule, if she looks to her left, you run to her, to her left, you run, I'll take the bowing of the head, at no point will she be unattended. We will feed her, push water, lots of water, you get the medicine when the doctor calls it in, you rearrane the table of food, you know she cant stand empty plates of food sitting around. At no point is she to stop breathing, remind her to breathe. They brought food, drove relatives, picked up keys to condos, cleaned, brought paper products because they knew I have a history of not loving my kitchen being taken over, and made sure everything in the house was ready for a new day of the outpouring of love. We received messages that cousins were on their way this very second to hold us. We heard from her water-polo coach who now live in Montana. Friends left the gym and came to our side, then went home to cook us lunch and returned to handle the calls to the highway patrol and mortuary when I couldn't finish the conversations. Stephen's aunt and uncle rearranged their departure and my cousin offered his condo for them to stay, so our nights can be just a mom and a dad holding one another and begging the pain to ease.
One of the besties brother in law has been nonstop in reminding me that I will survive, that the pain will somehow, one day, not be crippling, he knows because he's felt this pain, and having him reassure me is allowing me to keep the feet moving in the right direction.
Bubba played with us nonstop and cuddled us to the point our hearts had no choice but to feel love and to beat. Cousin's best friends sent food, and Bubba ran through the house with his cousins. He has no idea his Lulu is now is angel. He will be crushed. But for now he only knows the house full of people means he has someone to play with nonstop.
While I hate God this very second, I also thank God for giving me a village so damn strong, I can find the courage to breathe and see life.
Thank you, each of you, for allowing me to get through this by sharing my memories of the strongest person I've ever known. For loving us, and sending beautiful messages, and posts. To those who have loved and reminded us of the love she knew, because of you, thank you